shifting sand

“To see the world in a grain of sand Or heaven in a wild flower Hold infinity in the palm of your hand And eternity in an hour” (William Blake) “Sand is overrated. It’s just tiny, little rocks.”

landslide

Filed under: Music — annaj at 11:21 pm on Saturday, May 23, 2009

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes bolder
Children get older
And I’m getting older too
Well

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes bolder
Children get older
And I’m getting older too

Well, I’m getting older too

So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought it down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe…
Well maybe…
Well maybe…
The landslide’ll bring you down

[dixie chicks]

my once-upon-a-summer roommate posted this video by the dixie chicks. it was reminiscent of our molave days and of heartbreaks in the past (and present).

the lyrics above echo some of my sentiments. i drown myself in work and activities but i don’t really know what  to do now. he says that the future is a blank slate while i believe that the Lord has already written it out. but what about the here and now? i guess i’ll just wait it out.

the only good thing about the breakup is knowing who my true friends are. the rest are just people who, pretending to be wise, urge us to move on. and what great relationships they have.

happy?

Filed under: Reality bites — annaj at 2:06 am on Saturday, April 11, 2009

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
‘Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

It’s my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday Sunday
22 23 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows he’s she’s needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

[Switchfoot]

happy anniversary!

wishful thinking

Filed under: Books, Music — annaj at 2:23 am on Thursday, April 2, 2009

a birthday wishlist

  1. a.w. tozer books
  2. niv study bible (my big li’l bro has mine)
  3. jars of clay albums

command & conquer

Filed under: Reality bites — annaj at 4:56 am on Friday, March 27, 2009

John 10

Parable of the Good Shepherd

1“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter by the door into the fold of the sheep, but climbs up some other way, he is a thief and a robber.

2“But he who enters by the door is a shepherd of the sheep.

3“To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.

4“When he puts forth all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice.

5“A stranger they simply will not follow, but will flee from him, because they do not know the voice of strangers.”

6This figure of speech Jesus spoke to them, but they did not understand what those things were which He had been saying to them.

7So Jesus said to them again, “Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.

8“All who came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them.

9“I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.

10“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

11“I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.

12“He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them.

13“He flees because he is a hired hand and is not concerned about the sheep.

14“I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me,

15even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep.

16“I have other sheep, which are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will hear My voice; and they will become one flock with one shepherd.

17“For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again.

18“No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again This commandment I received from My Father.”

we went on a company outing last thursday to saturday. and on that friday, i grasped john 10 in a more tangible way. all because of a game called command & conquer, which is different from the computer game my siblings used to play. this one was closer to the game of the generals and to chess.

we had 3 teams, each with a commander, an ammo bearer, and soldiers. here’s an overview of how the game is played. everyone is blindfolded except for the commanders and the judges. the aim of the game is to eliminate the soldiers and ammo bearer of the other team. but the game could also end when a team runs out of ammo or the time limit is reached. the commander stays outside the battlefield and shouts orders. the ammo bearer distributes ammo to friendly soldiers, can shield friendly soldiers, and cannot fire unless he is the last man standing. and the soldiers can fire at will provided that they have ammo. friendly fire is allowed. water-filled ice bags are used as ammo.

i was the commander of the first team. and we played a single round robin, that means each team played against the other two teams, one at a time. during the first round, i lost a soldier due to friendly fire at the start of the game since the soldier i was commanding to fire to his left fired to his right instead. and the enemy ammo holder kept using his butt as a shield. it would have been a funny sight had it not been so infuriating. i had to move two soldiers at a time to get past him. those who did get eliminated played dirty by shouting orders to my team. it wasn’t against the rules. it just wasn’t noble, that’s why i called it dirty. we somehow won in spite of the great disadvantage of playing clean. i hardly had any voice left after that round from desperately screaming.

then round 2 came, and the other 2 teams played against each other. we got to rest, watch, and learn. but that round had to be stopped to prevent some bloodshed. so the team with more members left on the battlefield won. that would be the team we played against during the first round.

round 3 came quickly with an addition to the rules. “bawal dumikit sa kalaban.” didn’t matter, though. aim and fire was how we played since the first round. the soldier who didn’t get to play during the first round due to being eliminated was the first one i moved around. but he wasted 3 ammos even though his aim was great because he gripped the ammo too tightly and it kept exploding before hitting the target and splash damage didn’t count. there was another friendly fire later after an enemy got eliminated, due to false orders. then the new victim of friendly fire was coaching the one who hit him. but due to his directions, i lost another soldier because he stepped outside the battlefield. and i was left with one soldier and the ammo holder. that one soldier had her share of false orders from someone masquerading his voice to pretend to be one of us. but she knew our voices. so when she was told to aim, she would aim. she even followed how to throw. she had the most kills throughout the game, three in one just one round, and the only headshot! not to mention, she hit the enemy ammo holder twice, which did not count. the last one to get eliminated was very helpful in helping me move them around. the ammo holder was also a really great protector for her, since we were down to 2 vs 2 before the headshot.

i had to run around to battlefield to prevent them from stepping out of it and to be near enough to be heard. but the Lord is always near to those who seek Him.

i was victorious in leading blindfolded people. but He removes our blindness. and He laid down His own life on that cross and took it again and gave us victory over sin and the death that sin brings.

He is our good shepherd. His voice leads us home.

so i lay down that victory at His feet. and i pray that i would listen to His voice alone that i may not get lost and that whoever reads this might also be found. ^_^

the vultures

Filed under: Reality bites — annaj at 11:34 am on Friday, March 13, 2009

they circle about after sensing death in the air.

they know not of respect for the departed or for the grieving.

Surprise

Filed under: Music, Reality bites — annaj at 11:25 am on Saturday, February 28, 2009

Shoot a dream in your arm
And sleep away
It’s not the stuff that kills you
That keeps your life at bay

Every crash pulls you in reach
Of a watershed of signal flares
That cover your beach

These are just placebos
To make us feel all right
Illusions in our pockets
Make our feathers float us high

For a second I thought I saw
Your eyelids rise
A moment something restless
Caught you by surprise
Surprise, surprise

We are so beautiful when we sleep
Hearts of gold and eyes
So deep, deep, deep

But love won’t cure the chaos
And hope won’t hide the loss
And peace is not the heroine
That shouts above the cause

And love is wild for reasons
And hope though short in sight
Might be the only thing
That wakes you by surprise
Surprise, surprise

Dream, little one
See the world just begun

Love is wild for reasons
And hope though short in sight
Might be the only thing
That brings you back to life

For a moment I thought I saw
Your eyelids rise
Surprise, surprise

[Jars of Clay]

a week from now, i will be ushering the sunset service to worship the Lord. and it’s the first time in months that it doesn’t come as a surprise. i got advance notice last week. ^_^

it’s benjie’s turn today. i am joyful that we are fulfilling the purpose of this breakup. that purpose would be to grow in our intimacy with the Lord. and that growth naturally overflows into ministry. coincidentally, today’s message will be about ministry.

it has been a long time since i last considered sunday my favorite day of the week. ^_^

percolate…

Filed under: Reality bites — annaj at 8:31 am on Friday, January 23, 2009

i’ve had a lot of time to think about things. well, benj sent me this site about the L convention last night. it was a very long read so i just scanned it. but it struck me about some things i’ve been so angsty about.

i have a friend who dislikes how people in church could be so judgmental and i agree with her. but now that i think about it, benj was right. our focus should be on whether or not we please God. and if the standards men expect of us are high, it’s because God’s standards are perfect. we are called to be perfect as He is perfect. we might not be able to live up to that with our sinful human nature, but if we have the Holy Spirit, we have a godly nature as well. and we could choose that which pleases God.

i am still battling things like being expected to confide to a couple of strangers just because they were assigned as our counselors and to join a kapihan instead of have a romantic valentine’s date. come on, we rarely have intentionally romantic dates…

grace is infinite. but there is no reason to abuse it.

“For many are called and few are chosen.” (Matthew 22:14)

Now

Filed under: Music — annaj at 6:35 pm on Thursday, January 22, 2009

Now is all I know
Now is all I got
And I don’t know
If there will be tomorrow for us.

Now is all I care about
Now that you are here
Now that you’re the contents of my heart.

Now you’re all I know
Now is all I promise
And I don’t know
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I live for
Now that you are near
And it was best that from the start it was clear.

Loving is not owning
We can let it go
We can let it go.

Loving is not owning
You can let me go
You can let me go.

There’s a reason
Why we love each other now
And we don’t know if this is forever.

There’s a reason
Why we are together now
And we don’t care if it’s not forever now.

Now is all I think about
Now that I am happy
And I’m not sure
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I offer
It’s everything I got
And I still wish
That there will be a tomorrow for us.

[MYMP]

here’s to letting go without giving up! ^_~

nat geo, joan, and me

Filed under: Reality bites — annaj at 6:07 am on Monday, January 19, 2009  Tagged

who would have thought that hanging out at the sunken garden could bring such an opportunity?

as my bestfriend and i were about to leave the bench we were occupying, a foreigner and two others of unknown nationality approached us. at first, we thought it was going to be an ambush interview when they told us that they were from national geographic and that they were studying our culture. when they said they simply wanted portraits, i became really excited and joan became really camera-shy. they had a video cam rolling the whole time. and they asked us to say, “i’m filipino and this is nat geo.”

they said we’ll be on next month issue. so i’ll be keeping an eye out. ^_^

Janna has updated her Friendster blog.

Filed under: Reality bites — annaj at 9:47 am on Saturday, January 10, 2009

i bet you haven’t seen that flood your inbox for a long time. but the news is i’m back.  i don’t know if you would take that as good or bad news.

i now have unlimited wireless internet access thanks to sun. it’s so much faster than i expected it to be.

that said, i haven’t been writing or talking much. perhaps being accountable to arbitrary you has been so much easier for me. i guess i became really jaded. i hated how people appeared oh-so-holy in church and did the opposite in secret. i’m not saying i’ve been perfect. i have my share of this and that. but i wished i didn’t have to listen to them…

so these are m thoughts…

some people i know have recently married and still others are planning to get married soon. marriage is something we discussed at the beginning of our relationship. but recent events brought us to ask if that decision was our will or the Lord’s. while the romantic in me envies those with wedding plans, i want more than what they have.

two years ago, benj and i resumed our communication after three months of intentional silence. and he gave me a framed picture of the sunrise and with it, the message, a verse about how His mercies are new every morning.

it’s been a year and nine months together. and a time of praying whether to stay or not. and to remember that security does not lie in this relationship but in our God.

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